And so it begins

So here i am, doing something that growing up i said i'd never do. ever. i always wanted to be someone who journals, but never cared much for copious amounts of writing or carrying a journal around. now im 22 years old, and using a macbook pro to try and make sense of some of the stuff that goes on inside my head.

its 2:27am. can't sleep. well actually; im sure i could if i tried, ive been up late watching how i met your mother and just thinking. man i just want to meet her already! haha. its going to be legen - wait for it - dary. sorry had to try that on for size. on a side thought, isnt this amusing? its like small talk; putting off what im really thinking about and wanting to write down because i dont know how to say it. i guess i should just type what i think. be warned though, i overthink pretty much everything and a lot of it probably contradicts itself. but here goes.

so if theres one thing im trying to hold true to, its not taking leadership personally. im pretty involved with a youth ministry in perth and so theres a group of young guys (15/16 year olds) who i look after and essentially just do life with. theyre the greatest kids in the world. but what happens when something goes wrong? dont take it personally. thats a lesson that ive had to remind myself of time and time again; and sometimes it gets tough. its true what they say - youre always your own biggest critic. and thats very true of me. i tend to beat my self up a lot, or make something my fault even when its not. and thats one of my flaws.
by no means will i record who it was or what happened because it would just undermine their integrity and they dont deserve that.

dont take it personally. so pretty much something pretty big happened to this person, they didnt talk to me about it and i found out from someone else. usually not a big deal, but when leading people accountability is incredibly important, id even go as far as to say vital. i mean how can you lead someone effectively if you dont really know where they are at? or what theyre going through? you cant. the more you know the easier you can lead them - the more you can speak into their life or the better advice you can give them or you know what to pray for them or whatever.

so they did something, and didnt tell you, and you found out from someone else. dont take it personally. thats really hard not to do. i guess i jump straight into criticising myself. its my fault that he got into that, i wasnt a good enough leader, i didnt do good enough, i didnt talk to him enough or pray for him enough or whatever. but its not my fault. he is responsible for his own journey and choices. and while yes i do have a great deal of influence in his life and am often a good voice of reason for him and the end of the day what he chooses is on his shoulders. and now its just getting myself to remember that.

so what thought do i conclude on and then convice myself is right? dont take it personally. while there are things i could do better, because i am by no means perfect in any way (in fact - far from it; but life is a journey and the only person to ever walk the face of the earth who was perfect and lived a perfect life was Jesus.. on a side note thank you God that you dont only use perfect people... other wise no one would ever ever get used ever..) i know that what he has done is his own choice and not my fault. i will however learn from his mistake. this will help mould and motivate me as a leader - to speak into his life more, to get around him and hang out with him more and just all round love on him more. i will be better. i have to. leadership is not a privelage or responsibiliy that i will take lightly. its not a right that i have, in fact its something that i am incredibly blessed with and humbly accept. i dont deserve it at all. but i have been given it and i will do my best to be a good steward of what ive been given.

Justice; getting what you deserve
Mercy: not getting what you deserve
Grace: getting what you dont deserve

i am only a leader in God's house by His grace. leadership is not something to be taken lightly or half heartedly. spirit reproduces spirit, and who i am will be reproduced in the people i am leading. they will almost always have a lesser measure of my positive attributes, and a greater measure of my positive attributes. therefore i must be better so they can be better. and to do that "He must become greater and i must become less" - John 3:30.

so thats all for now. its 2:46am and i need to get to bed. its been so good to just get all these thoughts out of my head. whether its for myself only or someone else reads it and get something out of it, it doesnt matter!

God bless,

Matt Noonan